Guys Guide to Girls by a Girl who Doesn't Understand Them, Part 1
Guide to Valentine's Day...
Now, you might be saying right now--"Fuck Valentine's day!" But, here are two perfectly good reasons to remember it
1) Because your ho--sorry, girlfriend--will buy you tons of shit and if you don't come up with something good to give her, she will bad mouth you to her bitchy friends, so there is a slim to none chance of getting anything from them in the future
2) Because you know that nerdy-ass loser who is in love with her has been waiting all year for this day so he can give her a bunch of sentimental crap he found at Hallmark. She will love this, because that's what girls are like. |
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How to Keep a Ho Happy
There are three things girls are expecting on Valentine's Day----Jewelry, Chocolate, and Flowers. Now, if you're going to buy her chocolate you better as hell forget that because girl's don't eat. All they do is pick at salads and drink diet drinks thinking that diet drinks make you magically skinner when that's stupid because all diet drinks do is replace good tasting sugar with crappy tasting sweet and low which is actuallly horrible for your body. (That was a run-on sentence, now you know why this is called ramblings)
Flowers are good, I'd suggest you buy her a teddy bear and a rose if you haven't been dating long, but for most people who are planning to get a little Valentine's nookie, it's got to be the jewelry.
Now, for jewelry, there are a lot of ways to be cheap about it. If your girl is in high school, all you have to do is go to Kohl's and buy her something from the jewelry place---she'll have no idea it's fake. For someone a little older, watch hsn and qvc. All they have is fake jewelry! Find something that's fifteen bucks and she'll think you're loaded.
How the Hell will I know it's Valentine's Day?
Ah, the actually remembering it's Valentine's Day. Well, first you will notice that every single person around you is very gloomy and cursing Hallmark more than usual. You could buy a calender, telling you what day it is. Or, you could ask someone the date every day. If they respond "Febuary 14th" it's Valentine's Day.
Last Minute Stuff
Go here for a last minute card
There you go, a meaningful card! Don't expect any booty though.
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